The Severed Cortex

One of the reasons that guys like to play fantasy sports is because it gives them a venue to smack talk each other. I don't like to lose and I'm a bad winner when I do win. What can I say. I'm evil. I try to be funny about it, but when you're on the losing end almost nothing is funny. I don't care though because to me, it's still funny to kick someone when they're down.

However, over the years, the cosmic karmic forces that exists around those that flirt with pride, always come back to kick you squarely in the groin. Every year in our league one guy starts in on the smack talk and promptly goes on a three week losing skid. Because of that, no one has the cojones to smack talk anymore for fear of reprisal from the fantasy gods.

The setup
Brian, one of my former co-workers, has played in our league for the past three years. (Brian's team name is The Aardvark and mine is Master Batters.) This week our teams play each other and it's the first time that we won't see each other at work to talk it up. So, Brian suggested that we get a little fantasy baseball site smack talk going. His real aim is to goad me into smack talking in the hopes that I will be smited and lose. We're allowed to post our own 'news' stories which some of the others in the league have used before. My approach was to write in third person so as to fool the gods into thinking I was NOT the mastermind behind it all. I hope you find this as funny as I did.

A former colleague of the Aardvark says he wouldn't be surprised to see the Aardvark get pummeled by Master Batters this week. "He's never been the smartest guy in the forest, or jungle, or desert, or whatever it was we lived in back in the late 60's", Charlie the Ant said today. "Back then he couldn't even catch me and I'm just an ant!", he added. What makes you think he's got the mental capacity to put a cohesive fantasy team together 40 years later"?

The former cartoon star and stalker of young nubile insects has slowly circled the drain since the untimely demise of his popular cartoon show. "He never liked being billed second and he insisted on calling the show 'The World Revolves Around the Aardvark'. I mean it's no coincidence he talked like that idiot Jackie Mason. The producers always felt I was the star though", recalls Mr. Ant. "That animosity towards me is what drove him to become obsessed with killing and eating me".

The self induced stress of carrying on that obsession, and the large quantities of cheap Jameson 'whisky', are what have led the Aardvark to leave Hollywood and become a marginal fantasy team manager. The Aardvark's miniscule residual royalty payments are mostly spent feeding his voluminous appetite for alcohol, leaving most to wonder how he even managed to scrape together the money for the league entry fee. Some have suggested the long mouth and tongue coupled with a close proximity to the priest's restroom at SLU may have played a part in raising those funds, but this reporter could not confirm (or deny) that to be true. Far be it from me to say someone is gay or not. That's entirely up to you to decide on your own.

Master Batters owner and league commissioner Drew Moore, the target of Aardvarks ire this week, has expressed mostly sadness towards his current opponent. "I'm second in the power rankings and that guy has a .500 record. He's barely hanging on to second place in the crap division, so I'm pretty sure you can figure it out for yourself. I just hope he gets the help he needs to move past his current delusional mental status". "If he reaches out, Magellan Health Services, Inc. is an excellent facilitator of those needs. If he's indigent, there's always Medicaid", Moore added.