The Severed Cortex

Link: http://www.amazon.com/Dixieland-Delight-Football-Southeastern-Conference/dp/0061431249/ref=pd_bbs_sr_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1201444082&sr=8-1

Clay Travis is a Tennessee fan. Automatically I hate him. It's not his fault he was brainwashed as a child living in Nashville. His grandfather played for Tennessee the first year that the Southeastern Conference was born. He never stood a chance. And so, for me, he is just another one of those big orange turd suckers.

Clay Travis did not attend a SEC school for his undergrad, but he did go to Vanderbilt for law school. You'd think I'd hate him for going to a rival SEC school, but his law school attendance doesn't bother me in the least. His love of UT makes me furious. Such is the nature of being a SEC football fan. Clay may be a fantastic guy to party with, and based on some of his exploits in the book I have to believe he is. But, the only time he and I might party together is if we happen to bump into each other at a State-UT game or perhaps a State-Vandy game, the latter being unlikely since I'm not traveling to see Vandy and he's not attending a Vandy game across town because Vandy sucks so bad at football it's really not worth the hassle.

I attended Mississippi State for 2 1/2 years. At the time, MSU had one of the top five architecture programs in the country. They were also the only program in the country that concentrated on small town architecture which interested me. But that wasn't the only reason I chose Mississippi State. I also chose it because it had premier athletics, which I know now isn't a good reason to pick a college. When you're a testosterone filled 18 year old, you don't always make the best decisions for the right reasons. So, even though I spent my freshman fall Saturdays across the street from Scott Field buried in an architecture project, my heart was really across the street. I would have attended longer but they sent me a letter telling me I could only come back to school if I decided to study. Until then they'd prefer I not take up valuable seating space if I wasn't actually going to show up for class. Yes, feel free to insert your own joke here. I flunked out of a state school in Mississippi. It was easier than it sounds. Add 2 parts beer, one part pot, 5 parts chasing girls, and 12 parts sleep and you've just generated the cocktail necessary to flunk out of any institution of higher learning greater than a junior college. Yet, despite the fact that Mississippi State wanted nothing to do with me, I am forever a fan. I've attended two other universities and while I managed to graduate from one of them 17 years later, neither of the other two do I hold up in such high esteem as I hold MSU. I like it when SMS does well (no way will it ever be Missouri State to me) and I follow them on occasion, but I'm pretty ho-hum about it. I could care less if UMSL implodes, although recently the MIS department I graduated from was recently ranked 3rd in the country. I suppose I should be proud of that.

The SEC was already ingrained in me before I went away to college. Growing up outside of Memphis, with nothing but Memphis media outlets, the exposure to the SEC was overwhelming. Had I wanted to become a Big 10 fan, assuming of course that I had been the victim of some sort of head trauma, I would have had plenty to bitch about. Living in Big 10 country with zero SEC exposure leaves me plenty to bitch about now. Between the newspapers and TV covering the SEC, the tons of SEC grads in town including the farmers I spent my summers working for, and my good friend Barry Gilmore whose room was completely decorated in Alabama Crimson Tide paraphernalia from floor to ceiling, I became engrossed in the high drama that is SEC football. Attending a MSU game my junior year in high school with my friend Chris Porter and spending that weekend in the Lambda Chi house with his brother Tommy sealed the deal. From that point forward there was only SEC sports for me.

The book consists of Clay Travis touring all twelve SEC schools and attending a game at each. It also consists of Clay Travis repeatedly reminding you about attending Vanderbilt law school. Part of this is due to the fact that most of his law school friends attended one of the other SEC schools and Travis uses them to get into tailgates and various other game day/weekend activities. Each chapter starts with the travel to the school, partying at the tailgates, and finally the game. At the end of each chapter Travis spends five to ten pages covering extraneous SEC topics like how unbelievably good looking SEC women are, or 'Bama bangs, or the difference between pom pons and shakers and why both are kind of bi-curious. He also spends some time talking about the various SEC traditions, hatreds for other SEC teams which are usually forgotten if said hated SEC team is playing a Big 10 team, and why LSU fans smell like corn dogs. Some of these topics are hilarious. The corn dog one makes me laugh over and over. But most of the time Clay is boring you with his own anecdotes about law school, his friends at law school, his wife, or his friends at George Washington where he received his undergrad. Not that I'm very far removed from being juvenile, but an overwhelming part of this book is really juvenile. I'd say overall I liked about 60% of it. Remember he's a Tennessee fan. Plus, he made more than his fair share of Mississippi State jokes and ranked MSU down near the bottom of any ranking he felt necessary to do. He did say they had the nicest fans of all, which is sort of like being the fat girl with great personality.

This is a constant source of confusion with my wife as to which teams I hate, and which teams I'm indifferent about. While not a true ranking in the purest sense, here are my categories and sub-rankings so there is no more confusion.

Teams I Like:

1. Mississippi State
2. Alabama

Teams I'm Indifferent About (In order of most to least indifference):

1. Vanderbilt
2. Kentucky
3. South Carolina (not a real SEC team)
4. Arkansas (also not a real SEC team)
5. Georgia
6. Florida

Teams I Hate (In Order of Hatred):

1. Tennessee
2. Ole Miss
3. Auburn
4. LSU

You'd expect Ole Miss at the top of the most hated list wouldn't you? I really, really hate Tennessee. That last chunk of schools really means this. Only in the extreme case that the Big 10 wins the national title would I want Tennessee to win in order to thwart that from occurring. I want Ole Miss to lose every conference game, except Tennessee who they rarely play. Same for Auburn, but they're really good every year so it almost never happens. LSU I'm not so much a stickler for them losing, but given all the possible scenarios, (conference game, non-conference game, BCS, etc.), I pull for them to lose more than 50% of the time.

Best SEC football game I attended. November 17, 1984. Scott Field. LSU comes in ranked 6th in the country but State hits a 50+ yard field goal as time expires to knock off the tigers 16 - 14. I was wasted on Jim Beam and coke, as were the other 5000 students in the student section, and we all stormed the field and tore down the goalposts. By the time I made it back to my dorm room I realized I was bleeding profusely from my arm but I had no idea why.