The Severed Cortex

Why did I hold out for the extra couple thousand bucks? Why did I put my wife through the added stress for a measly couple thousand dollars? Because I've seen the buying and selling of a house movie a couple of times now. Step 1. Buyer gets inspector to say house is piece of crap. Step 2. Buyer asks for things to be fixed. Step 3a. Seller agrees to fix things. Or Step 3b. Seller says he will give buyer 'X' amount of dollars to fix things himself. Step 4. Buyer agrees to Step 3b and spends money on new TV instead. Step 5. The house is officially sold barring some bizarre event.
You don't have to memorize the steps. Just be aware that in order for the seller to get to Step 5, he must part with some cash. In our case the cash we held out for turned out to be more than what it cost us to fix the issues raised by the inspector. In fact, the inspector's list of issues cost me almost a whopping $50.

Life was not $50 easy. I was not off the hook by any stretch of the imagination. To illustrate what was about to happen, let me move back in time to my last house sale. When we left the wonderful village of University City, we were burned to the tune of about 1000 bucks for a new 'flue liner'. I would wrap that in air quotes but I can't find air quotes on my keyboard. An obscure rule, most likely lobbied by the flue liner installers local 138 in conjunction with Laclede Gas (who receive a kickback from the flue liner installers for each flue liner installed), stated that the flue liner must be at least a minimum diameter of half the blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, whatever.

Cost me a thousand bucks and it was nothing more than a scam for someone to take a bite out of me selling a home. Well, the intent was not directed at me personally I'm sure, but I did wind up in their snare. I mean scam.

The latest in the 'let me wrangle 1 large out of every home sale' scam is the radon test. According to the EPA radon is linked to lung cancer and anything over 4 picoCuries per Liter is just downright dangerous. Look, I have no reason to doubt that radon could be a mitigating factor in the development of lung cancer, especially if you are, say, a uranium miner. Developing lung cancer from watching TV in your basement is a bit of a stretch. The radon tester guy showed up at our house with a device resembling something from a high school physics lab circa 1974. He set the whole thing up on a rusty TV tray. Also, circa 1974. We were instructed not to touch the device. We could come and go as we pleased but we had to keep the door to the basement closed. We had to keep the doors closed to all the unfinished areas. Forty-eight hours later we tested at 4.9 pC/L, or whatever the damn notation is supposed to be.

I know the drill. Buyer says he won't buy house. Seller reminds buyer of Step 3b back in paragraph 1. Buyer follows Step 3b and gets new flat screen TV. Except our buyer didn't like Step 3b at all. We reminded him again that there would be money for a new TV. Our buyer was thickheaded. Or perhaps he just didn't need a new TV. What he did need was a radon free home and he was going to back out of the deal unless we guaranteed to get the radon levels reduced to the 1.5 level. Nevermind that no installer guarantees anything to that level or that they weren't obligated to do anything better than 4.0, our buyer wanted 1.5. So instead of the simple steps we outlined in the first paragraph of this diatribe, we had this bizarre seventh circle of hell. We would put the radon mitigation system in if our buyer guaranteed to buy the house. Our buyer wouldn't guarantee to buy the house unless the radon level was reduced to 1.5 pC/L. The installer wouldn't guarantee 1.5 pC/L. I refused to put in system with no guarantees. At one point I offered to put the system in on the condition the buyer put up more earnest money. My thought process was that if he backed out, I at least had more earnest money to take from him. Finally something gave. At the time I wasn't sure what broke the stalemate. I suspected it was a combination of the reality of starting the house hunt over again, being without a house for an unknown period of time with two small kids, and his realtor explaining to him that life in general is a risk.

We did have one small caveat to our agreeing to install the mitigation system. That caveat was that the buyer was not allowed into the house. He also got no say so as to where the system was to be installed. Guess who showed up on installation day expecting to come into the house? You guessed it. Where I come from you don't be-bop into another man's house, tell him where you want something installed, all without the guarantee that you will buy his house. Take the money and do it yourself or let me have it installed and shut the fuck up. In case you are confused, refer back to Steps 3a and 3b. They really are quite simple.

The installer walked into the basement with me, figured what he needed to do, went outside and explained it to the buyer, and life was good. Well, after my wife pointed out that his signature was on a signed contract life was good. I found out later that the installer was the key to breaking the stalemate. It was no picnic for him. Over the course of our seventh circle of hell, he had spoken with them on the phone several times explaining that he would guarantee the 4.0 level. He also said he would not guarantee the 1.5 level, but he did tell them that a lot of times he's able to get it below that level. Again, with no guarantee. Our buyers weren't satisfied. They told the installer that they talked to someone at the state regulatory agency who assured them our installer had to get it to the 1.5 level. Our installer said WTF? He called the state and they said WTF? We never told anyone that. The installer told me that if it wasn't for his wife he would have told our buyers to go suck an egg. And by egg I mean brown stinkhole. And by brown stinkhole I mean ass.

And so the mitigation system, a mere 35 feet of PVC pipe and an electric fan, was installed at a cost of $875 dollars. The basement was retested with the same antique, rusty equipment as before and the result was a miniscule 0.4.

On with the move.