The Severed Cortex

OK, this was my idea and apparently I'm a glutton for punishment. Technically we have the whole day on Maui because our flight doesn't leave until 9:30 pm. We could have lounged around all day. Instead, we agreed to pay money to get up at 2:00 am and ride bikes down the volcano. Not actually into the volcano mind you. That would just be stupid and besides, we aren't virgins. As it turns out you ride the bikes down the side of the volcano down to the base.
This wasn't just any old ride down the volcano though. Obviously from the 2:00 am time frame this included a sunrise over the volcano from a point near the summit. No, the sun does not rise earlier in Hawaii. The volcano was an hour plus ride away and the sun rose at a reasonable 5:45 a.m. Factor in the 45 minute drive from the hotels in West Maui to the bike home base and you start to understand why 2:00 am makes some sense.
The following sentenced was uttered around 2:30 am by our tour leader Jay.
Right now nothing is making sense to you at this time in the morning but it all will soon.
He was right.
Slightly before the Cruiser Phil van picked us up, we tried to print our boarding passes for the flight home. It was a major ordeal because we booked through Expedia and didn't have an official United Airlines confirmation number. I wound up going back to the room to get my phone and calling their service line in order to get a confirmation code. The code was acquired at about the same moment as the van arrived. Nancy tried printing them quickly but it wasn't straightforward. Plus it made you go through nineteen different screens in order to print the damn things. I'm trying to stall the van driver and as I'm doing so one of the other customers makes a real smart ass comment about Nancy being in the lobby. Rather than start a bunch of crap at 2:30 in the morning and making Nancy mad I go inside to tell Nancy to scrap the boarding pass plan.
That was my first introduction to the family I've dubbed The Annoyings. The Annoyings consist of the aforementioned father, a mother, and a pizza faced daughter who claimed to be older than 18. (The van driver asked.)
Mildly perturbed and not really a good candidate for early morning yuck it up with the joes anyway, we secure ourselves in the van and head towards home base in Kahului. Jay informed us that he would be our bike guide as well. Nancy and I try to sleep but it is tough in the back of a 15 passenger van.
Cruiser Phil's base camp is in an industrial section of Kahului behind some large diesel tanks. Not pretty. Serviceable and cheap, no doubt. At the base camp we are offered coffee and muffins but there's no way I can eat this close to waking up, even if it is 8:00 in the morning back home. We are also offered a pair of forms to fill out. Medical history? Next of kin? Wtf? I might have made up that next of kin thing. There was a lot of legalese and I was overwhelmed. Also joining us at the base camp is the other half of our group. Jay picked us up in West Maui. Billy picked up the other half in the South Shore resorts in Wailea. While we eat and fill out our contracts of cohesion (or so I am told by reliable sources), Billy hooks up the trailer of bikes. There were seven of us in West Maui and six from the South Shore. Plus Jay and Billy. That's fifteen people in a 15 passenger van. To fit fifteen people comfortably you need a 38 passenger van. I think they call them buses. Before we are packed in like sardines we are issued coats, gloves, and a rain suit. I'm thinking to myself "isn't this a little much"? Turns out the answer is no.
It takes about an hour for the van to reach the summit of Haleakala so we try to sleep. Unfortunately Mom and pizza face are sitting next to me, both listening to iPods. They felt the need to still talk to each other loud enough to hear each over said iPod. I wanted to bash their skulls in with something blunt. Something really blunt, or perhaps even a dull instrument. Everyone else rode quietly. They could see the love for skull crushing in my eyes.
Actually they were probably quiet because they could see and were in shock from the van ride up. Billy drove the van and trailer like a man who has played a lot of Gran Turismo for PS2. About 3/4 of the way up, and just short of the park entrance, we drop the trailer. Billy drives us up to near the summit where we are greeted to about two hundred other tourists. Some of these were bike riders, some were sunrise tours, and some were here on their own accord. We are at 9,480 feet according to my sweet Garmin hand held GPS and it is windy and very chilly up here. Hats, coats, and gloves are a totally good idea and now I know why. Good thing I thought of it back down at base camp.
I film video for about 30 minutes solid. I would have filmed longer but I accidentally hit the stop button. I start it back up again and get 8 minutes of video of the sun rising over the crater. Spectacular. Afterwards we are driven another 600+ feet to the real summit where we get views of the crater and a brief history of the observatory and missile defense. Well, I got the missile defense history because I have the security clearance. Everyone else was told a story of how it just a dairy farm and amusement park. I think they bought it.
After fifteen minutes of looking at the lunar landscape we pile back in the van and head to the trailer. Along the way Jay talks about the landscape, the plants, and the luck we just encountered. Apparently the sunrise we witnessed was one of the better ones. Sometimes, he says, all you get is clouds and seven shades of grey.
We grab the bikes and are given a helmet and a brief lesson on the hand signals. These bikes are what my old friend Sal would call water pipe bikes. i.e. - they are fabricated with pipes better suited for plumbing. The bikes are equipped with drum brakes front and back though. Important safety tip; don't engage the front brake solely. Gotcha.
I decide to take the back position even though Nancy is a couple of bikes in front of me. The annoyings are between us. In my mind I was thinking that I will have more control over when I can go fast if I am in the very back. I'm wrong. It's not because of Billy in the van, who is following the group, keeping the traffic off us. Billy is giving me plenty of room. Mom annoying on the other hand is riding her brakes jammed on the whole way down. At times there is more than a 1/4 mile between her and Nancy. At times we are riding at a pretty good clip. I'd have to say we are doing at least 40 mph down the road. Well, not us in the back thanks to brake happy buzz kill bitch, but we could have been if I had a club, tire iron, or pry bar. At the first break the following conversation occurs.

Me: Dude, she's totally killing me.
Billy: I know, I know.

Jay gets on her for not keeping up with the group and explains that the next section of the ride is through sections of residential areas. We are interfering with the locals ride to work in some cases. Pay attention to the hand signals and spread some karma.
I offer to give dad annoying last position in line and with it the perks of the official yellow jersey. I move behind Nancy in the line. The next part of the ride goes much better. This section is not as fast as the upper portion, but it is still pretty fast. We are reaching speeds of 30 mph easy. We stop just outside Makawao to portage the bikes. Apparently the town of Makawao hates the bikes and has outlawed the bike companies from riding through. On the other side of Makawao we get back on the bikes and ride the remaining four or five miles. This section is much flatter. Strangely I chose to drive this section of the road yesterday. Driving it didn't seem like it was a steady downhill. On the bike it is obviously downhill. We pass pineapple fields and end up at an old, still functioning, Catholic church. Insert your own functioning Catholic joke here.
We weren't allowed to carry our cameras with us on the bikes. That sucked hard when I heard the rule, but I now totally understand why. You need to pay attention to the ride. There are only a few rules and I broke most of those in the first mile.

• Don't look back. (I did to get a position on the van from me)
• Keep both hands on the handlebars. (my hands cramped so I had to stretch them)
• Don't bring electronic devices. (I tracked the trip with the handheld in my jacket pocket.)

After the bikes were properly stowed, we headed into Pai'a for breakfast. I got a black bean, scrambled egg, cheese, and chorizo burrito at Mambo Cafe. I also got a delicious smoothie. Mambo Cafe was reasonably priced for Maui and the food was fantastic. This late morning we were treated to dub on the sound system, played at the appropriate dub level.
All in all the bike ride was cool, but not near as cool as the zip line. You can't look around at the scenery when riding the bikes and that sort of diminishes the bike trip. I have no idea what the ride down the mountain looked like. I was trying to focus my attention on not getting a nasty road rash or broken collarbone. I look back on it as we pile into the van and realize that this was pretty damn dangerous. Way more dangerous than hanging from a steel cable 600 feet in the air. Jay confirmed my thoughts as he regaled us with horror stories of three years of bike riding mishaps on the ride back to base camp. Billy wound up driving us back to the hotel after we split up again. I tipped each guy $10, but I probably should have done $20 apiece. They worked pretty hard and put in a full 8 hours. We got back to the hotel at 11:15, hot and tired.
We asked for a late checkout at noon the day before. Yes, that's considered a late checkout. The Sheraton is gracious enough to give you access to the health club spa so you can take a shower when you are in the same situation as us. i.e. - checkout early but hours to kill before the flight. Our original plan was to check out, check bags with bell service, and hang out on the beach all afternoon. You know, one fresh sunburn for the road. However, once we returned to the resort the sun wasn't out at all. If anything, it looked like rain. We had just enough time to take a shower in the room before checkout and we opted for that instead. We're like Marines how we adapt to changing conditions. I scraped the dirt off first and carted the bags to the car while Nancy washed off the Hawaiian bike funk. As soon as I stepped outside the sun came out in full force. Jumping out of the shower and now into the humid sun, lugging unwieldy bags and sweating profusely caused me to almost pass out. After Nancy showed up, just as I was checking out short of the noon hour, I had to sit on the bench in the lobby and catch some breeze.
I grab my second wind, literally. We take a stroll down the beach one more time and then back up via the beach walk. One more shopping venture through Whalers Village and we come up with a plan to check out the South Shore before we catch the flight.
It takes about an hour to get from Kaanapali to Makena State Park, the very end of the road on the South Shore. In between is the town of Kihei and the golf resorts of Wailea. I debated on whether to stay on the South Shore or in West Maui and I'm glad I chose West Maui. While Wailea is very nice and has really high end resorts and shops, Kihei is fairly low rent in Maui standards. Kihei appears to be more low end condos for the budget traveler. Not to say that's a bad thing. If you don't mind driving to other places, Kihei might be the place for you. If you like to be pampered and be somewhat insular, Wailea is probably more your speed. West Maui offers better beaches and more reasonable family fare. I'm sure the golf is comparable.
We settle on Moose McGillicuddy's for dinner, not for any other reason except it is damn handy to where we are at this exact point in time. Plus we weren't hoping to spend a lot. We both have mahi-mahi fish and chips with a beer. The service was barely mediocre and the food was similar. After wasting some time watching the Dodger/Cubs game, as well as Game 6 of the Cavs/Magic playoff, we head towards the airport.
I drop the rental car at Avis where I'm accused of not filling up the tank. Technically I filled up in Lahaina and we have about 50 miles on it, but the needle was still on the F. A disagreement ensues and I take the charge and move on. I'm not going to ruin the vacation with petty stuff at this point. Besides, I'll call Avis and complain and see what that gets me.
The line through the ticket counter is slow but we are here in plenty of time. The ticket agent doesn't even ask for our ID's which isn't real comforting. TSA does ask for them and we are through the line in no time. We were told Gate 29 by the ticket agent but the board states Gate 27. Twenty minutes before boarding we find out it is really Gate 29. Doesn't matter to much to me really. I spent most of the waiting time crop dusting the mechanical walkways and empty gates. Nancy asked me to go somewhere else and threatened to kick my seat incessantly if the behavior occurred on the plane. Luckily my case of the winds subsides before we board. As we taxi down the runway I take an Ambien. Approximately 200 feet in the air I'm asleep.

A few pics
A sunrise view of Haleakala Crater
Clouds inside Haleakala Crater
My GPS Begs to Differ (I was told that the sign was probably put up in the 1940's.)
Top secret missile defense
Panorama from the summit