The Severed Cortex

Link: http://www.nypost.com/seven/06142009/postopinion/opedcolumnists/life_inside_in_the_media_bubbles_174131.htm?page=0

It's not like there aren't tons of media watchdog sites out there so this isn't really anything new, but I was surprised to see it in the crazy NY Post. Look, I don't care what news you watch. All I ask is that you understand their particular bias. I've said it a million times before. All news is propaganda with the exception of the Jim Lehrer News Hour and C-Span. The former is indeed dry as white toast. The latter is just a camera allowing you to judge for yourself. No blathering talking head telling you what to think from his prepared list of bulleted talking points.

Link: http://searchwarp.com/swa211385.htm

Remember when I said I was almost caught up with music? I lie.

Inside the Human Body by Ezra Furman and the Harpoons

Ezra Furman and the Harpoons put a out a jangly rock-o-planes and cotton candy full length in 2007 and were hailed as the next coming of Bob Dylan. In group form. Although, lets be honest. Ezra gets most all the credit. The Chicago group's second bite from the apple came along relatively quietly. Because it wasn't as good as the first? No, not at all. While in many ways it is a repeat of their debut album, this one is also quite different. The Harpoons are clearly much better players, Ezra seems more aware of what's going on, and the production is leaps and bounds better than the debut. Oh, so it's a studio album where someone polished them up? Well, yeah. Sort of. Minty Fresh put more money in this one and the response from the band is that they want to ride the hype for just a while longer. There is a lot of studio direction on this. Otherwise, if you really believe Ezra pulled off something this slick you have to suspend disbelief of his persona. And of the band. So studio direction or not, this is still very much Ezra Furman. It couldn't be more obvious than Big Deal, referring to himself as a trained seal in the chorus. A lot of what Ezra Furman does is very much derivative of the Violent Femmes. You get healthy doses of Bob Dylan and Neil Young mixed in as well, but there's still a heapin' helping of Ezra Furman for your listening pleasure.
Take Off Your Sunglasses gives you the best dose of the grab for mainstream appeal. The aforementioned Big Deal is just plain fun. I really like The Worm in the Apple. A lot. Brilliant song. Of course I have to also give the nod to Springfield, IL, but buyer beware. It's kind of a downer song.

You Kingdom You by Fires of Rome

Flat out, you will be blown away by this. From the opening number until the end I guarantee every listen of this will add more to your listening pleasure. Well, maybe not guarantee. If you absolutely hate prog rock with all your heart and soul then you probably won't like this. This is very much prog rock-esque. It's also a fair amount of theater. No, not that awful Dennis DeYoung Styx theater crap. It's more like Freddie Mercury and Queen, except without far less perverted mustaches. A lot of this is very reminiscent of bands like Queen, Led Zeppelin, Jethro Tull, Yes, and dare I say it, Rush. No, Fires of Rome does not sound like a single one of those bands. You might call it a new millennium version of that same genre, but Fires of Rome own their own distinct sound. If you want to call it redefining the genre, then feel free. I think that's a fair assessment. The 70'ish glam/prog aspect intrigues me a great deal (no they aren't glam either), but I still say this band is way more substance than style. The eventual reality may be that Fires of Rome never produce anything this good ever again. If that happens I'll admit that they were all style. Or at least mostly style.
Buy the whole thing and be amazed that there are bands that put out stuff of this quality. If you simply can afford only single songs, go with any of them besides It Makes Me Weak or Handgrenade. Those are still good songs, just weaker than everything else on here. I like Set in Stone, Song is Yet Unsung, or You're Such a Cherry. I find that last one to be the most different than the rest of the disc, but it is still a damn fine song.

Opportunities to listen to good music, or shall I say music that I think is good, are rare in central Illinois. There appears to be only one club in the area that books national acts. Coconut Louie's in Bloomington. At an hour away, it's the closest thing we have to a college town. I knew it was inevitable that I would wind up there at some point and that happened quickly when the Supersuckers announced a date there. I mean, what's an hours drive to see the World's Greatest Rock and Roll Band? Or 2 1/2 hour drive for my friend Nancy, who picked me up at the house on the way to the show.
Coconut Louie's only books day of show events. There are no advance purchases. Not knowing what to expect and knowing the doors opened at 7:00, we decided to get there early, pound some beers and chow, and calmly stroll over to the door once the line started forming. Instead, we show up around 5:30, order a beer, and are told that the club is closing for an hour at 6:00. In the bartenders words: we have a really big show tonight. I love the Supersuckers, but calling them a really big show is a stretch. Maybe for Bloomington it is.
This meant we had to find some food and we stopped at a Ruby Tuesday's down the road. I don't think our waiter was prepared for us, but then again if you get Nancy and I bouncing the one liners off each other we can blindside anyone. The waiter never stood a chance. The best part was when he brought us our food. He leaned down over the table all secretive-like and said this:
I'm not supposed to tell anyone this, but because you guys are so cool, if you want more fries I can totally get them for you. How we managed to not burst out laughing right there I'll never know. Once he was gone we contemplated hatching these plans

• Make a sign announcing good deals on cheap fries to other patrons in the restaurant.
• Extort the other restaurant patrons into buying our fries even if they wanted other sides instead. You don't want the baked potato. You want the fries. You know, this is a nice booth you got here. Be a shame if something happened to it. I'm just saying

Yes, I know. Snarky. We head back to the venue and there is already a line. And even though we were concerned and got in line immediately, it was all for naught as this is pretty much the extent of the rush for the show. The crowd filled in a little by the time the Supersuckers played but it never reached more than 125. We got a seat at the bar which, although at the opposite end from the stage, was still roughly only 30 feet away. While we slugged through the onslaught of three opening bands, we played, in Nancy's words, B-List Celebrity Look Alike. In my world I call it Separated at Birth. Same game though; spot a person and name a celebrity they look like. Nancy had several good ones including David Cross, Elvis Costello, and Joseph R. Gannascoli (the gay mafia guy on the Sopranos), but the best one was Paul Williams. You'd have to be a child of the 70's to even know who Paul Williams is. Either that or a fan of the Smokey and the Bandit movies. Paul Williams played Little Enos in Smokey and the Bandit and Nancy even managed to get the guy to sign the Supersuckers bill with the name Little Enos. Oh no she didn't. Oh yes she did. I countered her Elvis Costello with Ben Folds (she counter-countered that with a young Woody Allen), and I managed to find Moby, older Leif Garrett (with do-rag headband), and Gibby Haynes.

It turns out that our Gibby Haynes lookalike fronts the first band of the night, The Resinators. The Resinators have a chick on guitar who plays Donita Sparks/Suzy Gardner/L7 like leads and a fireplug of a guy with a very long beard on bass. Gibby lookalike screams out lyrics while a decent drummer metes out the beat. I actually liked these guys a little bit. They have a wall of sloppy, punk rock fuzz and they are somewhat energetic, especially the bass player. Gibby sucks at singing and that's ultimately the downfall of this band. It's good to see the punk rock ethos still alive though.
Next up was One Car Pileup, an alt-country outfit that look like frat boys. Not the really awful, pompous frat boys mind you. More like the partying, drinking frat boys who showed up at college their freshman year and decided to go pro with drinking instead of returning for their sophomore year. Or a repeat of their freshman classes. Still frat boys nonetheless. They pumped out covers that were house band worthy at best. On one hand they did a damn fine honky-tonk version of Folsom Prison Blues and then promptly followed that up with an absolutely butchered version of Skynyrd's Tuesday's Gone.
NIL8 was the next band and they took way too long to set up, dicking around for at least 15 minutes longer than they should have. NIL8 have been around for awhile and are actually from my new home town of Springfield. They've played in St. Louis before but I had never seen them. Glad I didn't catch them before. They are awful. The bartender said they played there a lot and that everyone liked them. I don't get it. They are kind of a dollar store version of Fishbone to me, and not many people really get Fishbone. I guess Bloomington is starved for musical entertainment. That's the only thing I can guess. I shouldn't knock them though. More power to NIL8 for doing their own thing. It just doesn't do anything for me despite the fact that Fishbone is one of my favorite bands.

And then there was the Supersuckers. We walk down to the 'stage', and I'm using big air quotes here, prior to the show. Nancy is standing a foot away from the mic stand and she tells me to come up there. I wanted to but there was an older lady (like grandma age) standing behind Nancy. No, I have no idea why she was at a Supersuckers show. If I walked up there, little old lady would have two 6 foot people to contend with. Nancy finally relented and stood with me, dead center three feet away from where Eddie would be singing instead. The crowd, although kind of small, was stoked to see the headliner. This is probably the biggest thing to hit Bloomington in years. One particularly ignorant drunk must have shouted It's Party Time fifty times while the sound check guy checked microphones and monitors. Yes, my drunken friend, it is party time. You already told me. Shortly thereafter Eddie Spaghetti sidled up center stage and for the first time I've seen him live, without a Gilley's t-shirt.
Hello Bloomington, Indiana Eddie said with a sly grin on his face. I laughed. It's not my home town. Why would I care if he got it wrong? Eddie made amends later and even laughed when someone in the crowd shouted Goodnight Cleveland. The Supersuckers ran through the big show, opening with Paid and Rock Your Ass. The latter song really got the crowd going. Grab a Drink a Chug a Lug. Have some sex and do some drugs. Not sure why something like that would make a drunken crowd scream with delight. They followed up with several rockers before switching gears and playing the alt country set. Not surprisingly the crowd was much more into this version of the Supersuckers, and I bet that many of them have worn out Must've Been High in their pickup trucks while cruising past the ever present corn fields. Somewhere in the middle they started losing the crowd, but Non Addictive Marijuana, Killer Weed, and a country rendition of Creepy Jackalope Eye brought everyone back. Small diatribe aside ... why is it that anytime someone mentions marijuana, everyone in the crowd goes wild, yet in the real world we have to pretend like it is some sort of evil thing? Just asking. The next 30 minutes rolled through a ton of rockers showcasing the guitar talent that is Mr. Rontrose Heathman and the damn fine drumming of Scott 'Zilla' Churilla. Both guys can flat out rock. Dan 'Thunder' Bolton is still my favorite, probably because it's the one role I could step in and take over should the Supersuckers need a replacement. I dream. The show ended with Pretty F*ck*d Up, always a crowd pleaser, and of course the peanutty brown BS encore. They put on a great rock and roll show as they always do for more than an hour and a half. The only knock I have is that they didn't play I'm a F*ck*ng Genius, one of my favorites off the new album. Afterwards, Eddie hung out at the merch stand greeting fans. Is Eddie Spaghetti not the greatest rock and roll star ever? Hell yes he is.
As is typical for a Supersuckers show, a few rowdy drunks in the crowd made it uncomfortable for some, especially security. Hey, it wouldn't be a Supersuckers show without these guys. Nancy's friend Seth got kicked out for the same behavior during the encore at Pop's the last time we saw them. Security here was the worst I've ever seen. A fat guy and a couple doofus(es) who couldn't find their ass with both hands. After someone bowled the crowd over and broke beer bottles, these one bullet Barney's scratched their heads about what to do. I watched with delight.

I drove back home, making the trip in less than 40 minutes. The following conversation occurred.
N: What's wrong? Don't you trust the radar detector?
M: Uh, I'm doing 90. How much faster do you want me to go?
I can personally verify that Nancy's sweet Subaru WRX STI goes way faster than 90.

Ah the wonders of modern pharmaceuticals. Like magic in convenient pill form. I wake up as we are descending into LAX. Once we land and disembark the plane, we start scanning the board for the flight to O'Hare. We had only a one hour layover. We figured as early as it was in LA, we'd be fine for catching the Chicago flight. It was the flight home from O'Hare that we were most concerned about. Fortunately in LAX our Chicago flight was only one gate away. Too sweet. I am totally in a cartoon world from the Ambien and I really struggle to stay awake. I'm not even sure I was awake when we took off from LA. I only manage to sleep halfway through the Chicago flight but life is good anytime you can make a 4 hour flight seem like 2 hours. All in all, sleeping 3/4 of the way home sure makes the reality of going back to work tolerable.
We made the flight back out of O'Hare. We had to ride a shuttle from the C gates to the F gates, and then walk to the very end of the F gates ... and then walk down a flight of stairs. All in less than the allotted 45 minutes. It seems impossible, but it can be done. Another forty five minutes later we arrive at our new home airport. I have to say that Abe Lincoln Regional Airport and Discount Shoe Emporium is damn easy to get in and out of. And you sure can't beat the free parking. All this and just 10 minutes away from the house.
I thought this trip ranked up there near the top of the Places Visited list. British Columbia has to rank up there pretty high too. If we had maybe two more days in Maui, that would definitely put Maui over the top. Two more days allows you a little more beach time, plus the activities we did, plus maybe one more activity like a snorkel trip to Molokini Crater or maybe even a flight to one of the other islands. I would have liked to have seen 50 foot waves on Oahu, although in the right conditions the beaches outside Pai'a can produce some very big waves. The live volcano on the Big Island would have been cool to see too. If you are going I have to say the Kaanapali resorts are a very good way to do it. At least the ones south of Black Rock are. The ones north of there might be fine too. In general, if you choose to stay in Kaanapali you can't go wrong. You have many options for food (and some shopping) without leaving the area. Plus you have Lahaina a short distance away. Be prepared to spend some money once you get there for food. Very expensive. You can probably save a buck or two by getting a condo or a time share and cooking your own food, but you won't save a ton. The grocery stores are not exactly cheap. Whatever you spend, it is all worth it. Even the long flight is worth it. Maui is so nice that you won't want to leave. Then again, who wants to leave vacation and go back to work.

I don't have any pics from this day. (remember the whole Ambien thingy) Instead, here are a couple of my personal favorites.

The orchid. If you view this full size, the detail is incredible. Almost dSLR worthy. It would have been better had I not chopped off the top part of the flower.
Banyan tree gnarls. This is actually a terrible picture other than it having some nice texture. What I like about it, and I didn't know this at the time, is that there is a little alien character sitting in the tree amidst the gnarls. I am Kaldon-5 from the planet Nimutard. Take me to your leader.
Sailboats in Lahaina. This one actually looks better at less than full size. Yes the one in front is no more.
Catamaran at dusk. This one turned out postcard worthy. Probably my favorite one of the trip. You can see Lanai on the left and just a bit of Molokai on the right.

OK, this was my idea and apparently I'm a glutton for punishment. Technically we have the whole day on Maui because our flight doesn't leave until 9:30 pm. We could have lounged around all day. Instead, we agreed to pay money to get up at 2:00 am and ride bikes down the volcano. Not actually into the volcano mind you. That would just be stupid and besides, we aren't virgins. As it turns out you ride the bikes down the side of the volcano down to the base.
This wasn't just any old ride down the volcano though. Obviously from the 2:00 am time frame this included a sunrise over the volcano from a point near the summit. No, the sun does not rise earlier in Hawaii. The volcano was an hour plus ride away and the sun rose at a reasonable 5:45 a.m. Factor in the 45 minute drive from the hotels in West Maui to the bike home base and you start to understand why 2:00 am makes some sense.
The following sentenced was uttered around 2:30 am by our tour leader Jay.
Right now nothing is making sense to you at this time in the morning but it all will soon.
He was right.
Slightly before the Cruiser Phil van picked us up, we tried to print our boarding passes for the flight home. It was a major ordeal because we booked through Expedia and didn't have an official United Airlines confirmation number. I wound up going back to the room to get my phone and calling their service line in order to get a confirmation code. The code was acquired at about the same moment as the van arrived. Nancy tried printing them quickly but it wasn't straightforward. Plus it made you go through nineteen different screens in order to print the damn things. I'm trying to stall the van driver and as I'm doing so one of the other customers makes a real smart ass comment about Nancy being in the lobby. Rather than start a bunch of crap at 2:30 in the morning and making Nancy mad I go inside to tell Nancy to scrap the boarding pass plan.
That was my first introduction to the family I've dubbed The Annoyings. The Annoyings consist of the aforementioned father, a mother, and a pizza faced daughter who claimed to be older than 18. (The van driver asked.)
Mildly perturbed and not really a good candidate for early morning yuck it up with the joes anyway, we secure ourselves in the van and head towards home base in Kahului. Jay informed us that he would be our bike guide as well. Nancy and I try to sleep but it is tough in the back of a 15 passenger van.
Cruiser Phil's base camp is in an industrial section of Kahului behind some large diesel tanks. Not pretty. Serviceable and cheap, no doubt. At the base camp we are offered coffee and muffins but there's no way I can eat this close to waking up, even if it is 8:00 in the morning back home. We are also offered a pair of forms to fill out. Medical history? Next of kin? Wtf? I might have made up that next of kin thing. There was a lot of legalese and I was overwhelmed. Also joining us at the base camp is the other half of our group. Jay picked us up in West Maui. Billy picked up the other half in the South Shore resorts in Wailea. While we eat and fill out our contracts of cohesion (or so I am told by reliable sources), Billy hooks up the trailer of bikes. There were seven of us in West Maui and six from the South Shore. Plus Jay and Billy. That's fifteen people in a 15 passenger van. To fit fifteen people comfortably you need a 38 passenger van. I think they call them buses. Before we are packed in like sardines we are issued coats, gloves, and a rain suit. I'm thinking to myself "isn't this a little much"? Turns out the answer is no.
It takes about an hour for the van to reach the summit of Haleakala so we try to sleep. Unfortunately Mom and pizza face are sitting next to me, both listening to iPods. They felt the need to still talk to each other loud enough to hear each over said iPod. I wanted to bash their skulls in with something blunt. Something really blunt, or perhaps even a dull instrument. Everyone else rode quietly. They could see the love for skull crushing in my eyes.
Actually they were probably quiet because they could see and were in shock from the van ride up. Billy drove the van and trailer like a man who has played a lot of Gran Turismo for PS2. About 3/4 of the way up, and just short of the park entrance, we drop the trailer. Billy drives us up to near the summit where we are greeted to about two hundred other tourists. Some of these were bike riders, some were sunrise tours, and some were here on their own accord. We are at 9,480 feet according to my sweet Garmin hand held GPS and it is windy and very chilly up here. Hats, coats, and gloves are a totally good idea and now I know why. Good thing I thought of it back down at base camp.
I film video for about 30 minutes solid. I would have filmed longer but I accidentally hit the stop button. I start it back up again and get 8 minutes of video of the sun rising over the crater. Spectacular. Afterwards we are driven another 600+ feet to the real summit where we get views of the crater and a brief history of the observatory and missile defense. Well, I got the missile defense history because I have the security clearance. Everyone else was told a story of how it just a dairy farm and amusement park. I think they bought it.
After fifteen minutes of looking at the lunar landscape we pile back in the van and head to the trailer. Along the way Jay talks about the landscape, the plants, and the luck we just encountered. Apparently the sunrise we witnessed was one of the better ones. Sometimes, he says, all you get is clouds and seven shades of grey.
We grab the bikes and are given a helmet and a brief lesson on the hand signals. These bikes are what my old friend Sal would call water pipe bikes. i.e. - they are fabricated with pipes better suited for plumbing. The bikes are equipped with drum brakes front and back though. Important safety tip; don't engage the front brake solely. Gotcha.
I decide to take the back position even though Nancy is a couple of bikes in front of me. The annoyings are between us. In my mind I was thinking that I will have more control over when I can go fast if I am in the very back. I'm wrong. It's not because of Billy in the van, who is following the group, keeping the traffic off us. Billy is giving me plenty of room. Mom annoying on the other hand is riding her brakes jammed on the whole way down. At times there is more than a 1/4 mile between her and Nancy. At times we are riding at a pretty good clip. I'd have to say we are doing at least 40 mph down the road. Well, not us in the back thanks to brake happy buzz kill bitch, but we could have been if I had a club, tire iron, or pry bar. At the first break the following conversation occurs.

Me: Dude, she's totally killing me.
Billy: I know, I know.

Jay gets on her for not keeping up with the group and explains that the next section of the ride is through sections of residential areas. We are interfering with the locals ride to work in some cases. Pay attention to the hand signals and spread some karma.
I offer to give dad annoying last position in line and with it the perks of the official yellow jersey. I move behind Nancy in the line. The next part of the ride goes much better. This section is not as fast as the upper portion, but it is still pretty fast. We are reaching speeds of 30 mph easy. We stop just outside Makawao to portage the bikes. Apparently the town of Makawao hates the bikes and has outlawed the bike companies from riding through. On the other side of Makawao we get back on the bikes and ride the remaining four or five miles. This section is much flatter. Strangely I chose to drive this section of the road yesterday. Driving it didn't seem like it was a steady downhill. On the bike it is obviously downhill. We pass pineapple fields and end up at an old, still functioning, Catholic church. Insert your own functioning Catholic joke here.
We weren't allowed to carry our cameras with us on the bikes. That sucked hard when I heard the rule, but I now totally understand why. You need to pay attention to the ride. There are only a few rules and I broke most of those in the first mile.

• Don't look back. (I did to get a position on the van from me)
• Keep both hands on the handlebars. (my hands cramped so I had to stretch them)
• Don't bring electronic devices. (I tracked the trip with the handheld in my jacket pocket.)

After the bikes were properly stowed, we headed into Pai'a for breakfast. I got a black bean, scrambled egg, cheese, and chorizo burrito at Mambo Cafe. I also got a delicious smoothie. Mambo Cafe was reasonably priced for Maui and the food was fantastic. This late morning we were treated to dub on the sound system, played at the appropriate dub level.
All in all the bike ride was cool, but not near as cool as the zip line. You can't look around at the scenery when riding the bikes and that sort of diminishes the bike trip. I have no idea what the ride down the mountain looked like. I was trying to focus my attention on not getting a nasty road rash or broken collarbone. I look back on it as we pile into the van and realize that this was pretty damn dangerous. Way more dangerous than hanging from a steel cable 600 feet in the air. Jay confirmed my thoughts as he regaled us with horror stories of three years of bike riding mishaps on the ride back to base camp. Billy wound up driving us back to the hotel after we split up again. I tipped each guy $10, but I probably should have done $20 apiece. They worked pretty hard and put in a full 8 hours. We got back to the hotel at 11:15, hot and tired.
We asked for a late checkout at noon the day before. Yes, that's considered a late checkout. The Sheraton is gracious enough to give you access to the health club spa so you can take a shower when you are in the same situation as us. i.e. - checkout early but hours to kill before the flight. Our original plan was to check out, check bags with bell service, and hang out on the beach all afternoon. You know, one fresh sunburn for the road. However, once we returned to the resort the sun wasn't out at all. If anything, it looked like rain. We had just enough time to take a shower in the room before checkout and we opted for that instead. We're like Marines how we adapt to changing conditions. I scraped the dirt off first and carted the bags to the car while Nancy washed off the Hawaiian bike funk. As soon as I stepped outside the sun came out in full force. Jumping out of the shower and now into the humid sun, lugging unwieldy bags and sweating profusely caused me to almost pass out. After Nancy showed up, just as I was checking out short of the noon hour, I had to sit on the bench in the lobby and catch some breeze.
I grab my second wind, literally. We take a stroll down the beach one more time and then back up via the beach walk. One more shopping venture through Whalers Village and we come up with a plan to check out the South Shore before we catch the flight.
It takes about an hour to get from Kaanapali to Makena State Park, the very end of the road on the South Shore. In between is the town of Kihei and the golf resorts of Wailea. I debated on whether to stay on the South Shore or in West Maui and I'm glad I chose West Maui. While Wailea is very nice and has really high end resorts and shops, Kihei is fairly low rent in Maui standards. Kihei appears to be more low end condos for the budget traveler. Not to say that's a bad thing. If you don't mind driving to other places, Kihei might be the place for you. If you like to be pampered and be somewhat insular, Wailea is probably more your speed. West Maui offers better beaches and more reasonable family fare. I'm sure the golf is comparable.
We settle on Moose McGillicuddy's for dinner, not for any other reason except it is damn handy to where we are at this exact point in time. Plus we weren't hoping to spend a lot. We both have mahi-mahi fish and chips with a beer. The service was barely mediocre and the food was similar. After wasting some time watching the Dodger/Cubs game, as well as Game 6 of the Cavs/Magic playoff, we head towards the airport.
I drop the rental car at Avis where I'm accused of not filling up the tank. Technically I filled up in Lahaina and we have about 50 miles on it, but the needle was still on the F. A disagreement ensues and I take the charge and move on. I'm not going to ruin the vacation with petty stuff at this point. Besides, I'll call Avis and complain and see what that gets me.
The line through the ticket counter is slow but we are here in plenty of time. The ticket agent doesn't even ask for our ID's which isn't real comforting. TSA does ask for them and we are through the line in no time. We were told Gate 29 by the ticket agent but the board states Gate 27. Twenty minutes before boarding we find out it is really Gate 29. Doesn't matter to much to me really. I spent most of the waiting time crop dusting the mechanical walkways and empty gates. Nancy asked me to go somewhere else and threatened to kick my seat incessantly if the behavior occurred on the plane. Luckily my case of the winds subsides before we board. As we taxi down the runway I take an Ambien. Approximately 200 feet in the air I'm asleep.

A few pics
A sunrise view of Haleakala Crater
Clouds inside Haleakala Crater
My GPS Begs to Differ (I was told that the sign was probably put up in the 1940's.)
Top secret missile defense
Panorama from the summit

It's another day in paradise especially now that the sunburn is less painful. Today's adventure is going to be the Piiholo Ranch zip lines. Ever since I saw the zip line thing online I totally wanted to do it. Nancy thought it was kind of silly, but in the end she agreed to do so.
We head back down to Lahaina for breakfast (since we have to drive that way anyway), this time stopping on the North end of Front Street at Longhi's. By this time we have figured out that everything is expensive in Hawaii and Longhi's is definitely no exception, but on the other hand Longhi's is totally worth it. The coffee rocked. I had strawberry pancakes and bacon cooked perfectly. Nancy had fresh pineapple and crabcake eggs benedict. I even ate some of the pineapple and it was incredibly good.
Fifty plus dollars lighter, we fire up the GPS and head to Makawao, detouring in Kahului for some more Starbucks. Hey, you can take the boy out of the mainland, but you can't take the mainland out of the boy. Nancy forgets to tell them not to sweeten her ice coffee and in the land of sugar cane that's the equivalent of asking for unsweetened tea south of Memphis. Piiholo Ranch is not listed in my very low budget GPS and we make a slight error in finding the place. Luckily we regroup and find our destination in plenty of time. Piiholo, as it turns out, is really an 800 acre working cattle ranch. Part of the area is reserved for the zip lines. From the base camp we can see the biggest zip line which is 2800 feet long. Yes, that's right; more than a 1/2 mile long. It starts way the hell up on top of a hill. I start to wonder what I've gotten us into.
At 10:30 they start the safety briefing and we gear up with our trolleys and modified paragliding harnesses. There are four other couples besides us, only one of which had zip lined in Majorca, Spain. After a description of how to slow yourself down (starfish your body), at 11:00 sharp we are set for the first run. Nancy had never done anything like this before. My only experience with this was a hokey one that went through the woods for about 200 feet at church camp. On that one there were no safety measures. You just held on with your hands gliding about 8 feet off the ground. Comparatively that would have been high school baseball. Piiholo zip lines are definitely the major leagues.
I have to admit I was moderately nervous to start with, but after the first run, a 600 foot ride over flat ground, it seemed like no big deal. The second run was 1100 feet long across a gorge that was maybe 100 feet deep. A little more scary but still not too bad. The third run was only 900 feet long, but it was over a portion of the gorge about 200 feet deep. It also had more of a downward slope to it and was a little faster. You wind up landing on a platform that is built into the side of the ravine which is kind of cool. By now, you can start to see the pattern of building you up for the final run. Run number four was 1400 feet in length and it spanned the gorge at a similar 200 foot level. It might be a little deeper than run number three but not by much. Then there was zip run number five which is in a class all to itself. For the granddaddy of them all we had to ride an ATV to the top of a very tall hill overlooking the ranch. Twenty-eight hundred feet away, across the gorge at about a 600 foot level, was the other end of this monster. It takes almost a full minute to to make the whole run and it is, how shall I say, totally freaking awesome. I probably forgot to mention that all the runs can be done in tandem. Not on the same zip line, of course; each run has two zip lines side by side except the first run which has four. Nancy started this last run a couple seconds in front of me and she starfished the whole way so she could take in the view. I made my body as wind resistant as possible and whizzed by her about 2/3 of the way down, saying C'ya as I passed. We both had shit eating grins on our faces and would have done the whole thing over again right then and there. I say that even though it was extremely expensive to have this kind of fun. I understand Nancy's point about zip lining prior to us signing up. e.g. - it happens so fast that you don't get to enjoy the scenery. However, I think even she would agree that the adrenaline rush far outweighs any negative, including the price.
Our two backstops, Brian and Nicole, were excellent and our sender Chris was top notch. While we all cut up and had a great time, these guys are extra careful and extra cautious with the safety measures. This is a first class outfit with top of the line zips, top of the line safety, outstanding professionalism, and an understanding of how to have some slightly dangerous fun without compromising the safety of its customers. I highly, highly recommend zip lining and I definitely recommend Piiholo Ranch. We tipped the crew $40 for the experience.
After zip lining we headed back up to Pai'a to check out the shops. Pai'a is only a couple miles away from downtown Makawao. I got some postcards and Nancy picked up a nice silk dress. We would have hung out longer but it was very hot. We did manage to duck into Mana Foods to get a cold drink. Turns out that Mana Foods is extremely hippie-fied and it has some gentrified prices. It was almost $10.00 for a gallon of milk and $5.69 for a dozen organic eggs. Way, way too expensive and looking at these prices for staples made me realize that my dream of living on Maui would never work.
We made it back to the hotel for a much needed shower, then headed back into Lahaina for some food. We both wanted Mexican and we found a place called Cilantro that fit the bill. It's sort of like a Qdoba but with a bigger menu and much better food. I got the mother clucker flautas which made me fart like a mule and belch like a Shanghai chimney. More totally awesomeness! Most importantly it was a little bit cheaper than the rest of the places that we dined during the trip.
We made it back to the hotel to do the dreaded packing. By 10:00 we were done and in bed, which sounds early, but really wasn't. Why wasn't that early enough? Because tomorrow's adventure starts really, really early. Like about 4 hours from now.

Some pics from the day (these are nowhere near spectacular like yesterday's pics):
A look ahead to what we have agreed to do (look for the orange balls in the middle of the pic then follow the zip lines up to the start tower on the hill)
Chris guides us to start the trip
Start tower for zip line run #2
A look at zip lines and the gorge from landing area #3
Nancy and I prepare for the big 2800 foot run
A look back up at where we started
The trek across the suspension bridge after it is over

I probably shouldn't link to this video but I will. Despite the fact that they asked us to not take pictures or video while on the zip lines, and they specifically said they didn't want to see this stuff on YouTube, it does show you how cool this stuff is. The videographer says he puts it in his pocket to prepare for the landing because he needed his hands, but the real reason is that he didn't want to get caught doing it when they explicitly said not to. You do not need your hands to stop, unless they give you the signal to starfish in order to slow down. Even then you don't have to hold onto anything. You do need your hands once they bring you down on the ladders but that's after you are completely stopped. I will say that if you have a dSLR camera and you can wear it on a strap over your neck, they do allow you to do that. From that perspective you could shoot the ride, but dSLR video is a pretty new thing.
I do have some video of other people in our group doing the zips and I have one of our guide doing the big zip. His approach at the end is kind of funny. If enough people bug me about it I will post it to you tube. In the meantime, if you want already uploaded video, search for Piiholo on You Tube for several vids. Mine are really no different than these.

The Road to Hana is billed as the most scenic drive in America. It is also billed as the curviest road in America too. I wasn't really sure what to expect on this day. Yesterday, south of Kula, we encountered some winding road. I thought Hana would be similar. It was ... except this is way curvier.
We are up at the crack of dawn or as we like to call it back home, 11:00 in the morning. Just to refresh you on time zone math, that is 6:00 am Hawaii time. The plan was to grab some Starbucks and coffee cake in Kahului. I'm here to report that the plan was executed to perfection. The A Team would have been proud. After gassing up the car we headed to Pai'a where the guidebook suggested we stock up on supplies at Mana Foods. Good suggestion. Mana Foods appears to be a hippie grocery store and in typical hippie fashion it does not open early in the morning. So, instead we decide to walk around the main drag of the town and kill some time before Mana Foods opens. Five minutes later Nancy finds a shop selling sandwiches and billing themselves as the last lunch spot on the Road to Hana. I think maybe hyper technically that might be true. There's some Clintonian word splicing going on there. The woman behind the counter is overly friendly and we get a couple sandwiches, chips, cookies, pasta salad, water, and a 'cooler' to put the food in. The 'cooler' claims to be able to keep things cold for three hours which is the approximate time it takes to get to Hana, a mere 50 miles away. Yes you read that correctly. 50 miles, 3 hours. That's a lot of slow driving. And so you know. The 'cooler' is a fancy word for 'make hotterer'.
Packed up and on our way we drive the almost ten miles to where the mile markers start. Mile markers are all you have to go by. There are no signs. The first stop is at mile marker 2 where a dilapidated bus run by hippies sells fresh fruit and smoothies. This theme of hippies and roadside fruit stands plays out a couple of times along the way to Hana. Had I known that there were enough of them I would have forgone the lunch in Pai'a and opted for the fresh fruit and smoothies along the way. You know, get all native and stuff. I encourage you to go that way if you have the fortitude for it. Still carry plenty of bottled water. Anyway, the trail behind the bus leads to Twin Falls. Or so they say. We walked about a mile back and just gave up trying to find it. It is very muggy and we are reluctant to burn all our energy on the first stop. On our walk back we meet a couple from Wisconsin who ask how far to the falls. We tell them we gave up, but they trudged on undeterred. We head back to the bus and get a $4 smoothie made with fresh sugar cane juice, banana, papaya, and pineapple. It was totally kick ass.
I could tell you about every stop on the way but there is no way to do it justice. There are lots of places to stop. There are waterfalls by the roadside in several places and just about anywhere with a fantastic view has a roadside pull out. After a while it just becomes a joke when I say, "Wanna stop again" every time we make another curve. By the way, these curves come about every 50 feet and the view around the next one is better. There are literally hundreds of turns with switchbacks that seem to be almost 360 degrees. I exaggerate only slightly. There are also a lot of one lane bridges and even more stretches of road where you do not want to meet another vehicle. Occasionally we do meet one. Since you can't go more than 15 mph you can stop quickly but it is a little unnerving. We saw bob trucks and duallys pulling trailers and garbage trucks and even a school bus that I was convinced was going to rip the whole side out on a bridge. It was brutal enough in a Pontiac G6. I can't imagine what torture it must be for a bob truck.
We take tons of pictures and about three hours later we end up at Wai'anapanpa State Park. The State Park is an old lava flow with jet black craggy rocks and a black sand beach. And the water is an awesome blue color. I can't see blue that well but I know this was different than anything else I've seen. Literally you could have put a bullet in my head and I would have died happy. This may be most beautiful place I have ever seen. A lone girl was swimming in a calmer area between crashing waves slamming hard against the dangerous rocks. The contrast of the her against the beauty and danger of the scenery was perfect. The water looked so beautiful and so clear that I was disappointed I didn't bring swim trunks and snorkel gear. I have no idea whether there is aquatic life in here but it looking at the rocks with a snorkel mask on made it seem like it might. I walked down to the beach and put my feet in the water. The black coarse sand was much different than the fine glue-y sand of West Maui. As I'm taking pictures I see the Wisconsin couple who tell me they found the falls, and yes it was totally worth the hike. Figures.
We would love to drive down to 7 pools (O'heo Gulch) and also see Charles Lindbergh's grave, but an earthquake some number of years ago has taken out one of the bridges. We still drive down as far as we can, stopping at Hana Beach to wade in the water, check out the red face cliffs, and watch a local cutie try to surf. She manages to stand up a couple times.
The drive back is a little different story. Yes, we stop a couple times but for the most part we are trying to get back to West Maui. I suspect that this is the same thing that happens to most people who choose a day away from the beach to drive a car on dangerous roads. If I had it to do all over again I would stay in Hana another day or so. But, we choose the touristy route instead. Next time. At one point on the return trip the traffic is stopped completely while men in rappelling gear try to shore up a sheer wall where a recent slide occurred. We happened to be the first car stopped and we chat up the flagman. He was very nice and he reminded me a lot of the Hawaiian version of my brother in law. The climbers were at least 80 feet straight up hanging above the road, which is barely wide enough for two cars. Past that there is just a sheer plummet into a canyon. The following discussion occurred.

Me: "Why aren't you up there?"
Flagman: "Because I'm smart."

Once the road is opened it's back to green flag racing. For about a mile. We get stopped for another 20 minutes while consturction crews work on another slide. Luckily it occurs next to a waterfall and one lane bridge so we have plenty to watch. And then we are back to green flag racing. For about a mile. The people in front of me have no concept of how to drive. Play some Gran Turismo 4 for Playstation 2 and you will learn to drive better. Guaranteed. I know it sounds silly to say you can learn to drive from a video game but I say it is true. I'm not the only one who says it. I digress. We make it back to the resort at 5:00 pm, a mere eleven hours after the adventure started.
After a shower we decide to eat sushi at a place called Sansei in Kapalua. Kapalua is just north of the Kaanapali resorts and is more time shares and condos. Sansei is in the Ritz Carlton area and the crowd is definitely very Chad and Muffy. I'm in a t-shirt and I haven't shaved in three days. O the horror! After a 30 minute wait we get seated at the sushi bar. The sushi roller is American but he is obviously skilled. We get panko crusted ahi roll, the Sansei special roll, surf clam sushi, and salmon rolled flower style. It is extra fresh and surprisingly has more of a Sheraton price tag than a Ritz Carlton price tag. Imagine that. Cheap sushi near an ocean.
We head back to Lahaina for ice cream where we are again 'accosted' by a young man on a bike asking if we want buds. We do. Not.

Some pics.
Many of these are gigantic. If you don't have a broadband connection don't bother.
Hippie Town
Waterfall on the way to Twin Falls
Beach in the Distance
Your standard Hana Highway one lane bridge
Your standard Hana Highway view
Panorama from Roadside Park
Panorama from Overlook
The Aforementioned Swimmer
Waianapanapa State Park View
Waianapanapa State Park Panorama
Koki Beach near Hana
Red Cliffs at Koki Beach

Friggin' sunburn. Hurts like a son of a bitch. At least I slept OK. Nancy would prefer that there be more beach time but there is no way I can cut it in the sun any more. With my luck I'd get seriously sunburned, admitted to the hospital, and my wife would seduce Dudley Moore while Ravel's Bolero plays in the background. Luckily she says if I can find something to do that doesn't involve the sun then we can do that. I'm sure she was betting that I couldn't find anything like that in Hawaii. I searched the guide book (not Maui Revealed) and find a lavender farm that serves tea and scones way up in the maui upcountry. Not really my cup of tea (rim-shot) but my sunburn hurts so bad I would rather choose tea and crumpets. You know I must have been in pain.
We decide that we are going to go ahead and book the bike tour down the crater and while we are there we ask about the zip runs. Our concierge Lorrie sets it all up and also gives us the scoop on the lavender farm. The bike trip and zip lines are pricey but you only go to Maui one time. At least that's the premise I'm working under.
We head into Lahaina looking for breakfast and stumble across a place on Dickenson street, a side street off the main tourist drag. Nancy has some eggs benedict that she claims are awesome. I have a surfers special that consists of scrambled eggs, Portuguese sausage, and veggies wrapped in a tortilla and covered in enchilada sauce. Quite tasty even if I had to pick out the couple sprigs of broccoli. We go check out the Banyan tree in the daytime and it appears they are having an art fair. We walk over and check out one aisle then wind up walking around the back side of the banyan tree and courthouse. As we are walking past the charter boats a shirtless fellow on a bike with a British accent inquires about my shirt. (I'm wearing the Bulldog Pub shirt my friend Nancy bought me in Amsterdam). Apparently this chap on the bike is familiar with it. He's the first one to inquire about it and actually know what it is. One lady asked me if it was the Yale Bulldogs. Seriously. Do I look Ivy League to you? For some really bizarre reason I answer shirtless bike guy with a British accent and he asks if I'm from England. Apparently my fake British accent is enough to fool an expatriate. I have no idea why I did it either. I quickly backtracked to my native redneck and we find out his name is Mickey. We talk a little about Amsterdam, England, and other travel spots. Mickey is basically a rambler who has traveled the world and done nothing; working odd jobs on a work visa (or probably otherwise) and moving on. I was totally jealous. He was quite a nice fellow and he allowed us to take his picture.
We head back over to the art show where I find myself an 'ancient' fish hook necklace and I pick up a sharks tooth necklace for Robert. Mine is supposed to bring good luck to fisherman. Robert's, I suppose, only brought bad luck for the shark. Nancy winds up buying a jade necklace with a tiny jellyfish in it. Not a real one you PETA freaks.
We hop into the car, program the GPS, and head towards the lavender farm. Good thing I brought my GPS. I would have never found the place without it. The piece of crap Pontiac G6 barely makes it up the hill. Somehow we make it and we are overcome with the smell of lavender. The grounds are beautiful and even I have to admit the tea and scones were pretty tasty. We took a lot of pictures and I walked out with some lavender sunburn lotion. It smells like lavender.
We decide that as long as we are out this way we should take a drive down to Tedeschi winery. Everyone says we should. The road is curvy and windy and I'm guessing this is a prelude for the road to Hana tomorrow. Once we arrive we are somewhat disappointed. The grounds are nice, but very small. We don't even bother with the wine tasting. I mean really. Who wants to drink pineapple wine? That's something you drink when you are an alkie and don't have any lemon extract on hand. I encourage you to pass on the winery. Stop if you are going to defy the car rental companies and go around the southern way to the other side of the island. Why not? Your driving past it anyway. Otherwise, skip it.
We head back to the resort and get back around 4:00. This gives Nancy some beach time while I reapply the aloe on my medium rare gut. While she's chilling on the beach I sneak down to Whalers Village for some t-shirts and red coral baubles that Nancy had her eye on yesterday. I get a necklace and some earrings for a very reasonable price. She liked them.
We head over to the Westin where we eat at a place called Ono. The wait staff was a little surly but not overly so. We opt for the tapas; calamari and chopped sashimi ahi with ginger and red onion. Nancy gets prawns in chili tomato oil and sea scallops with garlic mashed potatoes. The food is outstanding athe the presentation is first class. After dinner we take a stroll down the beach and then back up to the resort. The breeze was pleasant and despite all the people, quite contemplative.

Some pics from the day
Breakfast View
The Banyan Tree
A Very Hairy Mickey
Fields of Lavender
Drew's Art Photo Entry
The Lovely View
An Orchid in Digital Macro Mode
Hyatt Pool at Night

I want to learn how to snorkel. I'm guessing it's a simple enough concept. Make top of curvy tube stay in air. Breathe through other end of curvy tube. Look through glass in mask. But, in case it is more than just that we sign up for the (almost) free snorkel lessons poolside at 9:30. Since we are up at the crack of down, we lollygag around until breakfast. Back home it's damn near noon. The locals must get sick and tired of the mainlanders waking up to what would be their ungodly hour in the morning. Even the West Coast folks who are only a scant three hours difference in time zones and body clocks are problematic I'm sure. We still manage to eat breakfast by 7:00 and we are obviously on the back side of the morning rush. For the same price as the buffet breakfast here at the Sheraton I could have eaten at Bristols or Top of the Riverfront for brunch in St. Louis. At least it was relaxing and very slow paced. We sat around grazing and watching the birds search for table scraps for well more than an hour.
At 9:30, or maybe a slight bit earlier, we arrive at the beach house for the snorkel lessons. We get a mask, snorkel, and fins and are told to wait by the adjacent pool. Yes, we looked like tourist dorks. A few minutes later we are joined by a woman from LA who had her own snorkel gear and Robbin, a transplant from Oregon. Robbin teaches us how to fit our mask properly, how to purge water from the snorkel tube, and instructs us on the dangers of touching sea life. No way am I touching this stuff but I guess you have to tell the stupid tourists. They don't put directions on shampoo bottles for no reason at all. The key points here are: the sea turtles are endangered and it is pricey if you get caught touching them and don't touch the spiky sea urchin. Painful.
Next up is the test in the pool. Surprisingly I find it relatively easy to breathe and it doesn't take me long to get the hang of it. The only issue is that I find the flotation belt she gave me to be unwieldy. That's pretty much it for snorkel lessons. Just as I suspected. Ten minutes later I'm swimming around Black Rock, reputed to be some of the best snorkel water in Maui. I saw a fair number of fish and I got to swim a couple of feet awy from a sea turtle about two feet in diameter. Very cool. There were a couple of times I got disoriented and had to stick my head up to get my bearings. I also had a couple of 'weirdness' thingy's with breathing and had to stop, take off the mask, and breathe through my nose. But, the more I relaxed and breathed through my mouth, the easier it became. Less is more. I lazily swam around for about a half hour watching colorful fish, sand explosions on the ocean floor as the waves washed in and out, and a lot of kelp. I will definitely be snorkeling again and next time I will have my own gear.
This is pretty much the extent of our lazy day. We wanted to spend it on the beach and that's all we did all afternoon. I'm laid out on a beach towel either watching the lovely and not so lovely people, or I'm swimming in the ocean. I alternate about every 30 minutes. Despite my efforts to slather on sunscreen and monitor myself for the beautiful pinkish-red and freckled freakiness when I get too much sun, I still manage to get sunburned. The funny thing is I didn't see it while we were on the beach. It only showed up when I got back to the room and took a shower. At the moment it isn't too painful. As we head down the public walk to Whalers Village, a collection of shops and restaurants serving the Kaanapali resorts, it becomes more evident that there is going to be some pain. By the time we sit down to drinks and a snack at Hula Grill, I notice the full effect of the suntan. I mean sunburn. I mean sunfried, or perhaps even sun-blackened.
Even though we are hungry and it is late afternoon, Hula Grill is still serving lunch. We planned on dinner but once we saw the lunch menu we settled on the appetizers. I had my heart set on fish and wound up with the sashimi and a couple of Kona Reds. Much better than the Longboards. The sashimi was a little not fresh on one end an very fresh on the other. They didn't skimp on the portions. Nancy got some coconut calamari and a Mangorita, which she reported was heavy on the tequila. We decide to head into Lahaina for a real dinner instead.
After window shopping in Whalers Village, we grab the car and head to Lahaina. Front Street is a short 2 mile drive away and it is loaded with shops and bars and restaurants. We struggle to find some parking but eventually find a public parking spot. It has an unattended pay machine that dispenses a receipt you place on the windshield. I run it over to the car and put it in plain sight. On the way back a local on a bike asks me if I want to buy some pot. He took me by surprise so much that I had to ask him again if I heard correctly. I know I look like surburban white dude dad and yet this happens to me a fair amount. I guess I must just have that look. No, I did not buy any Maui Wowie.
Our first choice for restaurants is closed. We walk down the Front Street drag and settle on Kimo's instead. Since we weren't particular about getting an ocean view table we are seated right away. Our waiter Mike was very nice and informative. The cocktail server was awful. We got our wine after we ordered dinner and just shortly bfore the salads arrived. The food was great though. I ordered onaga with the Kimo house preparation (basil, lemon, butter ... less is more) and Nancy had mahi-mahi with an orange macadamia sauce. Both were fantastic but I think mine was better. We topped it off with some coffee and headed back to the resort. Well, after we took a short detour down to the other end of Front Street to take a gander at the totally freaky Banyan tree.

Some pics:
The View From The Lanai
Breakfast
Snorkeling Area in Distance
Afternoon Drinks
Our view at Kimo's (plus the top of a husky boob)
Banyan Tree at Night