The Severed Cortex

Link: http://sports.espn.go.com/ncf/recap?gameId=262520344&campaign=rss&source=NCFHeadlines

So MS State was shutout again. 34 to nothing. I expected them to get trounced today, but I didn't think they'd get goose-egged. This is looking pretty worrisome for Bulldog fans like me.
I watched Missouri shell Ole Miss today so at least that's some good news. I take some comfort in knowing that there's still a shot at beating Ole Miss this year because they are apparently quite terrible also.

Curt Schilling. Mariano Rivera. Jon Papelbon. Carlos Zambrano. Michael Barrett. Ken Griffey. Roger Clemens.

They're all big name players on their respective teams who basically may not play the entire month of September. Assuming the Astros, Reds and Red Sox don't make the playoffs ... and they won't ... that means all but Rivera are done for the year. Done for the year. All having good or great seasons and then with no warning, kaput.

Add in the couple of scares that happened recently, Big Papi was out for heart palpitations as was Marcus Giles, although the latter turned out to be just heartburn, and you have a rather auspicious start to September.

As far as I can remember it's the weirdest start to a September. I've never seen this many big name players go down at one time. Granted Griffey, Clemens, and Schilling are old. So old that it isn't all that unlikely that they are somewhat akin to the tire tread on a 1969 GTO; worn slick. Even Mariano Rivera could be lumped into that group of crotchety old farts.

I'd like to comment on Michael Barrett's injury, but it hurts my parts to think about it.

So who is next? Maybe we should start a death pool on the next big name guy going down. The easy pick would be to pick an old guy like Maddux ... or any Cardinal outfielder ...

I should be working on redesigning my web site. I should also be researching football. Come to think of it, I should be catching up on stuff I'm behind on at work, fixing the garage door light, putting silicon around the sump pump discharge, etc. Instead I thought I'd comment on a couple things that happened in sports recently.

I'm certainly no fan of tennis. Men's tennis is only slightly less than boring women's tennis. I do feel these sports model the tendencies of their respective genders. In general women's tennis is measured and deliberate, each combatant waiting for the other to make a mistake. Volleys tend to last 20 minutes per point and you rarely see a woman tennis player self-destruct. Men's tennis on the other hand tends to be more aggressive; forcing the opponent into making a mistake. Still it all revolves around hitting a ball back and forth over a net and that my friends is mind-numbing. I can appreciate the athleticism involved though because I certainly couldn't run around on concrete/grass/clay/mud for 4 hours at a time; much less whack a fuzzy ball travelling 140 mph. (Short pants, fuzzy balls, love-love ... sounds a little effeminate doesn't it?) My ignorant perceptions about the game aside, it doesn't take an idiot to recognize when a game has lost one of it's greats. Andre Agassi is clearly one of those and maybe the last remaining link for me to the game. Even growing up where I did I was exposed to tennis. My friend David Gubin was a pretty good player as were several other of my friends. Hanging out at their house you might run across Tennis magazine. Never interested me, but I still knew a few big names: Jimmy Connors, Ilie Nastase, Bjorn Borg, Vitus Gerulaitis, John McEnroe. Later there was Pete Sampras and Michael Chang and of course Andre. Now with Andre leaving the game there are no more big names for me. There are no more links to those childhood greats.
Maybe it's just a blip on the radar to me, but it seemed like a big deal for tennis based on the reception that Andre got on Saturday. Perhaps that's because of the same reason; there are no more big names in tennis and Agassi is the last link back to those glory days. Andre Agassi is the last of the titans for his sport and we should all recognize that perhaps the end of a tennis era has just occurred.

8 days of regular season fantasy baseball left and there are still 8 teams in the hunt for money. Today's results will most likely dwindle that number down to 7. In addition there are 9 teams fighting for playoff spots and 2 teams still battling to stay out of the cellar and keep one more keeper next year.

In the Viagra division 1st place and the subsequent #1 seed in the playoffs has been wrapped up for 2 weeks. 2nd place and the chance to win your entry fee back is still up for grabs. The Steamers control their own destiny, especially if they win this week. A Steamers loss and a BaBaBelue win puts BBB in the drivers seat. Hurtin' Atlanta Man is not completely out of the woods though and should not be counted out. A win this week looks likely and if CS and BBB slip, HAM is back in the hunt. He will need some big scoring periods to overcome the tie-breaker though. Playoff teams are set though and the only thing to be decided in that aspect is the 2, 3, and 4 seeds.
WarPigs and the Desert Rats are fighting to stay out of the cellar. WP holds the advantage, but if JDR can pull off a win this week or next, WP may be relegated to 6 keepers next year. With a surplus of money I'm not sure if that helps or hurts him.

In the Cialis division things are a little more wide open. 98Y and TT are in the drivers seat for 1st. Both are locked in dogfights that if they win will push them over the top. A loss by both pits 4 teams fighting for money in the final regular season matchups. St. Louis Browns of Belleville have a tough road to climb, especially since they are staring a loss in the face this week. Back to the Minors is in the same boat, however a loss by 98Y and TT puts STLB in for a shot at 1st and BTM in for a shot at 2nd due to the points tiebreaker. Both teams need a lot of help to get to that point and right now it seems like the only thing up for stake in the final week is playoff seeding. Don't count Bugs Bums out though. They still have an outside shot of making the playoffs. A loss by BTM looks imminent as does a win by BB. If this pans out, BB will be 1 game back of a playoff spot with one week to go. Most likely the point differential will be too much to overcome for BB, but it is in the realm of possibilities.

While all these scenarios are fun to watch, I do think that next year we ought to end the last 5 weeks with teams playing within their division as opposed to playing the other division. In the last 4 weeks of the regular season I play BTM, STLB, 98Y and TT so it is kind of cool for me to think that my team controls who wins money in the other division, but I think it's much better to have the final weeks be controlled by the teams in your division.

Link: http://www.mstateathletics.com/

I really have high hopes for Mississippi State football and coach Sylvester Croom this year. I am extremely proud to say that Mississippi State is ahead of the curve in hiring a solid black football coach. This is his 3rd year and should be the indication of the type of recruiting he has done. Granted next year is the real test, but with good recruiting he could have a strong showing this year. Last night's South Carolina game was not a good start. Henig gets hurt and they have to bring in the freshman, but to me the freshman showed some future potential. At times he looked like Michael Vick. Didn't stop 'the old ball coach' from sneaking one out in Starkville though. At this rate I'm afraid I'm going to suffer through an Emory Bellard/Rocky Felker type 3 and 9 year. C'mon Sly, whip these boys into shape.

Link: http://sports.espn.go.com/mlb/players/profile?statsId=6393

First off, I'd like to say I'm not a big fan of the Mark Mulder trade. I'll stick my neck out and say when Mark Mulder and Danny Haren are retired, Haren will have better numbers. I cannot deny that Mulder's been one of the most winningest pitchers over the last X number of years, but to me wins are the most unreliable stat of all. Guys who rely on ground balls tend to stay in games because they don't give up the long ball. They also rely heavily on their defense and they have a very thin margin for error. If they are on, they can frustrate hitters (see Greg Maddux). If they aren't on, they get lit up like a pinball machine (see Jason Marquis). Give me a power pitcher any day.

Ugh -- BoxScore. Now he's on the DL and done for the year. Good riddance.

... and his name is Robert Eugene Thomas. He is 9 years old and lives in Alton, IL. He is a very excitable young man, but he's clearly pretty smart too. He makes A's and B's in school. His life will not be easy, but hopefully we (Nancy and I) will be able to make a difference in his life. I know he will make a difference in ours.
We've only known Robert for about 3 weeks, but so far we've gone to McDonald's to eat ice cream, Dave & Buster's to play video games, and the Science Center, which we went to yesterday. Hopefully I'll be writing good things about Robert for years to come.

My mother would not approve of this story, but it's one of my favorites nonetheless. This would have happened circa spring of 1985 and while the general tone and substance of the story is correct, there may be some minor discrepancies in the details.

Spring Semester is almost over and by this time it’s been almost 4 months since I last showed up in class. Having no job and subsisting only on wonder bread and B-Quik Potato Logs for a week (2 for 99 cents), I managed to scrounge up enough money for a small sack of herbal remedy and a 12-pack of delicious Busch Bavarian beer. (side note: sold as a 2nd rate beer in Mississippi and a bargain at $4.00). Music Makers, the local university music promotion company is putting on their annual free concert at Five Points across from the Greek houses. This year the lineup consists of Weird Al Yankovic, Joan Jett and the Blackhearts, Jason and the Scorchers, and a couple of other minor regional rock deities. My roommates Tim, Jackie, David, and Beau along with our friends Marty and Mark and my girlfriend Tanya all pile in two vehicles to enjoy the festivities; a short 10 minute ride away. We arrive safely and soon after settling in either the back of Tim’s Silverado or on the ground, the Sneak-A-Toke makes its appearance. Joan Jett rocks. Weird Al plays Whole Lotta Love on the accordion. Jason and the Scorchers … well … let’s just say the Sneak-A-Toke ran out of petrol and we became bored with young Jason and his lovely Scorchers. We decided to ride back to the house for new festivities. Who knows, maybe Jethrine our next door neighbor is on an E trip again and will tell us a story about her large breasts again. I ride home in the back of Tim’s truck with David. As we make the turn into our apartment complex I notice that in between two cars a woman is squatting down. As I look closer in the barely illuminated parking lot I realize that she is in fact taking a whiz; Shaking the dew off her proverbial lilies; taking the lizard out for a … wait a minute, that’s a different story involving a hermaphrodite. Anyway. I alert David to tinkling Tina and I start to go tell Tim. Beau is pulling in behind us and as he’s parking, I mention to him there is a chick peeing in our parking lot. (I should point out at this moment that Beau has vision similar to a teenage Ray Charles. He once almost ran into the back of a big yellow school bus on the way to a Heart and Autograph concert in Hattiesburg. Woo-hoo, turn up the radio you little Barracuda.) Beau asks me where the lovely young woman might be. I reach Tim who takes a look, laughs and points it out to the rest of the group. The group seems unimpressed; however Beau has still not located the urinating wench and is asking everyone else where she is. For some reason the rest of the group ignores him. After some initial shuffling around, everyone starts to file into the apartment with Beau bringing up the rear. I still hear Beau saying, ‘hey where’s the chick you were talking about?’ Beau, never locating the lady with the golden you-know, gives up and slowly makes his way in the door. Now furiously mad at us for not letting him in on the shenanigans, he is completely unaware that our heroine has started to follow him in immediately behind him. He steps 10 feet into the middle of the living room, clears his throat momentarily and shouts at the top of his lungs … ‘WHERE’S … THE BITCH … WHO’S PISSING!!!!’. We all turn around to look at him, now noticing the woman and almost in unison say, ‘She’s right behind you Beau’. He turned, promptly fell on the floor and started laughing maniacally. The bitch, on the other hand had different ideas. She was completely FUBAR on what I’m guessing had to be Vitamin A and walked right past us, into Tim’s bedroom, and shut the door. We were absolutely flabbergasted and the room was silent for approximately 10 seconds. At the end of the 10 seconds, David sprang into action. Seemingly in one fluid motion he kicked the door in, grabbed said bitch, came out carrying her by the nape of the neck, and threw her out the front door bouncer style. Beau and I then watched from the window. FUBAR Fanny was now trying to steal a bicycle leaned up against the apartment building across the lot. She’d pedal for 10 feet, fall off, and then try again. After the 21st try or so Beau and I decided that we should help her out. We went out to talk to her and she made no sense at all. She needed a ride home, but couldn’t express where that might possibly be. As we were trying to Matlock/Quincy/Columbo it out of here, 2 guys in a 79 Grand Prix drove in the lot completely lost. (Did I mention we lived in a complex outside of town on a country road). They needed directions to South Park (no, not the TV Show, that’s 15 years from now) which was on the other side of town. Apparently South Park is where the bitch lived because she recognized the name and started repeating it over and over. Then she started taking her clothes off for no apparent reason and the 2 guys in the Grand Prix quickly volunteered to make sure the damsel in distress made it home.

Because I really need to write these things down, and because Tucker Max is making a ton of money writing his drunken memoirs, I will be posting stories here. Most of these are not suitable for those with scruples, morals, whatever, but hopefully I'm not as much of an asshole as Tucker Max. I hope because I was never 'officially' inducted into a fraternity house that my stories are still funny.

I realize that Cardinals vs. Cubs is a great rivalry for TV (at least in the Midwest), but it sure would have been better to showcase Chris Carpenter against Rich Hill instead of this craphole matchup between Jeff Weaver and Les Walrond. I predict a slugfest.